Archive for the 'Attitude' Category

Knowledge is Power

…at least I think it is.

When I am stressed by a seemingly insurmountable problem, I start looking for as much information as I can locate, hoping to find the best solution, but barring that, illuminate the dark, to make the unknowable known. I am not be afraid of something I know.

But I forget that many people do not deal with stress this way. They do not want to know what I just found on the Internet, and will tell me to stop looking, “Just don’t look!” but I can’t stop.

Partly I think they fear for me, for my emotional well being; some of the information I have found is dark and scary, numbers that definitely do not seem favorable, gruesome pictures (even I can not look at these,) and personal stories that too often seem to end badly; but I think they fear for themselves as well. As long as there is no proof that boogie man is in the closet, no photographic evidence of the monster under the bed, there is no reason to fear and they can happily whistle as they pass the graveyard.

But I can’t, I have to know.

There is a lot of good information about cancer out there and quite a bit about sarcoma, not so much about angiosarcoma, even less about deep tissue angiosarcoma, and if you google “angiosarcoma of the broad ligament,” you will get nothing, (or one of my blogs, depending on whether or not google has found me yet,) but even the lack of information speak volumes. The numbers in the few studies I have found are so small, and most of the participants with more advanced cancers that it is difficult to see anyway that they apply to me.

The odds of a person being diagnosed with angiosarcoma, are infinitesimally small, but for me that has all changed, there is a 100% chance that I have angiosarcoma. Now I need to do everything I can to increase the numbers in favor of my survival.

I plan, not just to defy the odds, but to define them. In order to that I have know what is under the bed, no matter what scary thing might be lurking there, but I don’t have to tell anyone else what I found.

I am Feeling Poetic Today (and angry)

Good Bye to an Old Friend


I am hurt
and I am angry

I hate watching
all the pain you’ve caused
I know my own must be the least
but in my heart it hurts the worst

and you uncaring continue on
crushing the hearts you tread upon
casting old loves and friends aside
for something new that’s caught your eye

’til the only consolation left,
for me, and all those who loved you,
is that this time you are really leaving
and at last we can begin to try to forget you
and start to fill the empty space you have left behind

Despair at Home

Today my banner should be all dark and gloomy clouds, the title of my blog could “Despair at Home.”

I am at my wits end.

Coder is completely out of control. (for those of you who do not believe the ADHD exists, come and spend a day at my house) Have I ever metioned that Coder is 14. 14! Who does this stuff at 14??

Highlights of the week include Coder writing on my favorite chair with a pen and trying to suck water out of the toilet with the vacuum, and then vehemently denying that he had any involvement in either incident.

Sissy…I can not even share what she did but it is gross and a care giver in my home saw fit to share with a social worker her exaggerated version of the events so now I get to deal with that as well. This behavior is nothing new, if they had read Shirley’s notes from the last 10 years they would know that, but why would anyone have bother to learn about the background of a handicapped child before coming to their home. It is so much easier to make judgements and paint me as a bad parent.

The company that works with Sissy is short staffed and the staff they have is unreliable. I can not plan anything because I have no idea from one day to the next whether or not I will have anyone here.

My business is booming but I barely have time to take care of it, unless I bring both kids with me and after tonight that will not be happening again. They were awful, rowdy, noisy pesty, my client’s wife was so sweet, she tried so hard to entertain them, but they were no better for her then they are for me.

We do not make much money and the business is what keeps us off of welfare but lately I am thinking “What’s so bad about welfare?”

I raised my two older children with minimal difficulty and what I am experiencing now is completely alien to me. I am in way over my head and have no idea what to do about it.

I don’t think I can do this anymore but I know that quitting is not an option. I want to just sit down, put my head in my hands and cry, but that too is not an option. So I will keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, left then right then left, until things get better or I am finally through.

I Have Slipped

I am embarrassed to admit that I have slipped.

All the work I had done on cleaning and organizing the house has come undone and the place is a mess…again.

I was so proud of the progress I had made. I do not think I have ever felt so positive. I really thought I had solved the problem for good.

The dinning room was lovely and I was keeping fresh flowers on the table. Now everytime I see a bouquet of flower I am mortified to think that I let it all go.

I have been asking myself what happened.

Was it because Sissy and Coder are out school? They really are high maintenance, and continually are doing things that remind why I do not home school anymore. (that’s another thing that makes me sad)

Maybe it was because my friend Mrs. Woods has needed me so much more this summer. Her other helpers have been vacationing off and on so I have done a lot more work for her then I usually do.

Or is it that my business has really been booming the last two months. Between what I make from Mrs. Woods and what I bring in myself, things definitely looking up financially.

Whatever the cause the result is the same…the house is a wreck. Now I have to start all over and I am once more asking myself whether or not anyone who is “organizationally dysfunctional,” really conquer these problems, or am I doomed to faill again and again and again….

To anyone who is still reading,

To anyone who is still reading,

I have had an incredibly busy couple of weeks, starting with a hard drive crash. I am finally back up but it was a pain. I had backed up 90% of what I needed so it could have been worse.

I have been very busy with my little computer business and helping my friend from church. She has always had a pool of people to fill in but this summer several of them moved away and those that were left went on vacation. We looked around and found that the only one left who was trained to do the work was me! 🙂

This week the vacationing slackers are back so I will be able to get more done here at home and post once in a while.

The upside was that I made enough money to make a decent dent in my bills.

Yea me!

How Loml Saved the Day…Again

My husband and I had an argument the other day.It doesnt really matter what it was about or who was right, (that would be me) but my feelings were hurt and I was mad. The day was dark and gloomy and I held on to those hurt and angry feelings all morning long. I went over and over the events in my mind and by the time he finally got out of bed I had work myself up pretty good.

Good morning you just opened your eyes and your wife is really ticked at you! I am surprised that he did not go right back to bed.

Now Loml has really crumby people skills. Some how he never knows the right thing to say in these situations and I just get more and more wound up and eventually (I am sorry to say) become some what unreasonable. At that point he makes a quick retreat and I fume until I wear myself out and finally give it up, still somewhat frustrated with him and probably very ashamed of things I have said to him.

I went out to run of a couple errands and when I got back I was ready for round three, but what I found when I came through the door stopped me in my tracks.

My Loml has no skill with words but he knows the right things to do when the chips are down.

You can not stay mad at a man with roses and chocolates.

The Daughter of a King

I wrote this a couple of nights ago, it is how I like to see my life.

I am the daughter of a King. He has given me charge over a kingdom. The land I rule may not seem large or powerful, but the consequences of the choices I make in governing it will echo through the ages.

I will seek my Father’s wisdom, blessings, and protection through studying His Gospel and in prayer. I will listen when He speaks to me. I will follow the rules my He has set forth. His messages and commandments will always be be my beacon lest I should stray from His paths and be lost in darkness.

I will be mindful that my home is holy and I will respect it and maintain it that it will ever be a welcoming place for friends and strangers alike. I will show the same hospitality to the representitives of my Father that I would show to Him.

I will not be wasteful, but will exercise good stewardship over all the resources I have been given. I will endevor to increase my fortune rather then to squander it. I will return one tenth of all I gain to my Father and acknowlege that all I have come from Him.

I will remember that my husband is also the child of a King. I will show him the respect he deserves. I will heed his council. I will be mindful that I chose him above all others, that he loves me and keeps the best interests of this kingdom foremost in all his decisions.

I must raise my children to recognize their royal heritage so that they may exercise wisdom in the choices they make. One day they will reign over kingdoms of their own and they must do so righteously, always mindful of the one King who has given us everything.