How Things Are

Physically I feel great. It is such a relief after last summer and fall. I have no pain, I sleep at night, I feel wonderful. Chemo (other than the hair) has been a breeze so far.

Mentally…I am a wreck. I am touchy. Little things, that I used to be able to overlook, set me off. I am almost always angry, mostly with my husband, sometimes the kids. I know how Loml is. He has really poor people skills, and I used to be able to handle that pretty well. Now I can’t at all. I want him to make some effort. I am tired of always (at least that is how it feels,) being the one who is making allowances for some else’s behavior. I want him to step up to the plate! Make some effort in treating my self and the kids in a civil manner and get a decent job while he is at it! I am sick of being the primary support of this family just because he does not think he can do better. I know he can, he is just so afraid of failing that he will not try. His job is so bad, it is worth the risk of losing it to try for something better.

I sometimes think I want to throw it all away but I know I can’t. He has never done anything to justify breaking up our marriage, (close sometimes, but not that bad,) and I know I could not deal with Sissy and Coder on my own.

He works part time in the evenings, I work during the day. I am alone with the kids every night, it is like being a single parent. I wait till he gets home at 11 before I go to bed, so I seldom get more then 7 hours of sleep, usually more like 6. He stays up till about 4 am, watching TV and playing video games, leaving me to fight the kids every morning getting them ready for school. This should not be a battle, especially for Coder, but it is. Lately I make him get up but I feel that I should not have to, I want him to go to bed early enough that we can function as a couple.

I worry about my health, I do not know how well the whole cancer thing is going to turn out. The longest survival I have seen with this is about 15 years. Average looks like less than 5. They caught mine really early so I am hopeful. I just want to be here long enough to get Coder grown up, I need 5 years every thing else is gravy. If I wind up living a shorter life because of this, I want it to be a happy one. What was good enough before does not feel good enough now.


2 Responses to “How Things Are”

  1. 1 Laura March 24, 2008 at 5:32 am

    I don’t know that I have any words to say that would encourage you – but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Have you read the blog by called Especially Heather? It’s about a young mom battling brain cancer – she also has a young child with autism and a heart condition. She might have a few more words of encouragement to offer you – but again know that you have not been forgotten – by me, or by God.

  2. 2 loveathome March 25, 2008 at 3:30 pm

    Thanks Laura, It is always good to hear from you.

    I have been reading Heather’s blog. It really helped me to see she too has a disabled child. I had been thinking that my having Sissy should make me, statistically, immune to things like weird rare cancers. I know it does not make any sense for me to think that, but I did. 🙂

    Loml and I had a long talk and things are somewhat better now. I do think I need to do some kind of counseling however. I belong to a support group but really I need something more one on one.

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