Archive for March, 2008

What (if anything) Should I Do?

First to put your minds at ease about the last post. Loml and I had a long talk and we are okay once again. YEA! We have things to work on but I am not going to knock him silly with a pillow at 5 am. 🙂 We still need some help. but things are better.

For my current question: From time to time I have thought that I posted a comment on someone’s blog, but when I went back the comment was not there. I just figured that I must have clicked something wrong and the comment never posted. There a couple of blogs that I know do not post my comments, because they are the ones that think we (the LDS,) and anyone who is not part of their own group, are a cult. I learned a long time ago not to comment there. I do not want W.W. III so I do not comment on religious matters. The only way anyone would know that I am LDS is to read the About section here.

A few days ago I left a comment somewhere that was intended to be uplifting and supportive. It posted, I saw it there and now it is gone, and it bugs me. I wonder if my comment was badly worded and taken wrong, but I don’t think so, I try to be careful about how I word things, or does she know that I am LDS and she does not want “my kind of people” posting comments on her blog.

My feelings are a bit hurt. I want to send her an email and ask her, nicely, carefully, why my comment was removed, but I do not want to add to the burdens she is having and it really is not a big deal, so maybe I should let it go.

I am open to suggestions. What do you think.

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How Things Are

Physically I feel great. It is such a relief after last summer and fall. I have no pain, I sleep at night, I feel wonderful. Chemo (other than the hair) has been a breeze so far.

Mentally…I am a wreck. I am touchy. Little things, that I used to be able to overlook, set me off. I am almost always angry, mostly with my husband, sometimes the kids. I know how Loml is. He has really poor people skills, and I used to be able to handle that pretty well. Now I can’t at all. I want him to make some effort. I am tired of always (at least that is how it feels,) being the one who is making allowances for some else’s behavior. I want him to step up to the plate! Make some effort in treating my self and the kids in a civil manner and get a decent job while he is at it! I am sick of being the primary support of this family just because he does not think he can do better. I know he can, he is just so afraid of failing that he will not try. His job is so bad, it is worth the risk of losing it to try for something better.

I sometimes think I want to throw it all away but I know I can’t. He has never done anything to justify breaking up our marriage, (close sometimes, but not that bad,) and I know I could not deal with Sissy and Coder on my own.

He works part time in the evenings, I work during the day. I am alone with the kids every night, it is like being a single parent. I wait till he gets home at 11 before I go to bed, so I seldom get more then 7 hours of sleep, usually more like 6. He stays up till about 4 am, watching TV and playing video games, leaving me to fight the kids every morning getting them ready for school. This should not be a battle, especially for Coder, but it is. Lately I make him get up but I feel that I should not have to, I want him to go to bed early enough that we can function as a couple.

I worry about my health, I do not know how well the whole cancer thing is going to turn out. The longest survival I have seen with this is about 15 years. Average looks like less than 5. They caught mine really early so I am hopeful. I just want to be here long enough to get Coder grown up, I need 5 years every thing else is gravy. If I wind up living a shorter life because of this, I want it to be a happy one. What was good enough before does not feel good enough now.

Hair

My hair is falling out. The doctor said I would have some thinning, so I was not too worried but Saturday it started falling out all over the place! I have very thick (well it was) longish hair and when it started come out it just would not stop.I have now lost the equivalent of several small squirrels!

I got it cut yesterday. (locking the barn door after the horse gets out) Now I have short drab thin hair with a part that is about as wide as the grand canyon.

I liked my hair the way it was. I have to remind myself that this is temporary, and it is only hair. It will grow back.