Cloudy, Icy, Yucky Day

Did not on the treatment today because of the yuck weather.

I  have been thinking about my mother’s mom all day. I do not think of her as my grandmother, because she died so young. She was only 35 and my mother was 7. Mom was raised mostly by her aunt. She never really had a mother/daughter relationship. For nearly 70 years my mom has morned the loss of a mother she barely remembers.

I have always thought of this loss strictly from the view point of a child but now I am seeing it from the mothers point of view. A mother who probably felt that she had a lot of things she wanted to do, like see her children grow up, and did not get the opportunity to complete her life.
I am older then she was, but I still have plenty of things that I need and want to do in this life. I have two children still at home. I need to be here long enough that they can feel good thinking about me and not feel that they were left alone with out a mother.

Sometimes I am scared. I want to be okay. I want to believe that I am going to be the one who beat this. One of the blessed, one of the lucky ones.

But I am afraid, I look at the numbers and my heart drops, how can I be one of the lucky ones?

Maybe tomorrow the sun will be shining and I will feel more up beat again. Today is just not my day.


4 Responses to “Cloudy, Icy, Yucky Day”

  1. 1 Pammy December 12, 2007 at 4:23 am

    I’m so sorry. I want to give you a hug.

  2. 2 Laura December 12, 2007 at 6:35 am

    I couldn’t remember your blog and so I went through a few of your old posts and found the comment you referred to over on my blog. I realized you changed blogs and that’s why I didn’t recognize this one. I’m glad you still come around mine from time to time!

    I am at a loss for words for the battle you’re in right now. I cannot believe all that you’ve experienced in these past few months. I’m grateful they discovered the source of your pain but at the same time, I’m so sorry it was the answer that it was. I loved one of the things you said on one of your most recent posts about not only defying the odds, but defining them. You are the bravest.

    You and your family will be in my prayers and my thoughts. I’ll keep coming over here to see how you’re doing and to say hi now that I know where to find you again!

  3. 3 shadowlands1501 December 12, 2007 at 1:22 pm

    Yuck weather can bring yuck days…..just go with them. It is OK to feel the yuck as well as the yeah!!!. I empathize with the fear and that is OK too. It is important that you believe that you will beat this disease. That is important because attitude is everything and you have a great heart and personality that lends itself to great attitude. Your children know that you will never leave them willingly. They know that you love them. They know so many more things than a seven year old child, Sissy especially knows. She more than all of the other children. Rose, tomorrow will be better. The sun will shine and you will persevere and endure. James 1: 3-5 talks about testing. I believe that we are being tested especially when we find ourselves on the cancer journey. The test has a purpose and God doesn’t give us tests unless He believes that we will overcome them. The purpose of tests is to build endurance and endurance builds(the definition of is this “POWER to bear pain, STRENGTH to contine or last despite fatique stress and STAMINA, the ability to endure in an upright position)us so that we can identify with Jesus. All of these, POWER, STRENGTH,STAMINIA, are developed and expanded when we go throug a test…The promise of testing is found in vs 4, “so let it(endurance) grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing”…. Just a thought or two on a Yuck day…

  4. 4 Linda December 20, 2007 at 10:00 pm

    I hope you are feeling a little better, I wish I knew what to say.
    I will tell you this, I have been thinking of you every day. I have been hoping that you were doing well and feeling good.
    I am going to pray for you.
    I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I do understand a little about you grandmother and the feeling you are having.
    My mother passed away when I was 5 and I miss her so every much, but at the same time, I have a fear that I too will leave my little ones.
    I do have one thing I cling to, and that is that I know that they will survive and be strong.
    I did, but I never ever forget or stop thinking of my mother.
    I sometimes cry for her even though I was only 5 when she passed, she is always present in my heart.
    Keep positive thoughts!!!!
    Just believe that you WILL beat this, You Will!!!!

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