I started having a lot of pain in my shoulder. I thought it was bursitis, I have had that before, but oh no, it could be something has simple has that, of course it is another tumor! (My joke about turning into a big tumor is not funny anymore!) I have a bone scan next week to look for more. Woo hoo, just what I want to be doing!

However, my chemo is doing great and must be working, even on the tumor in my shoulder. I don’t even feel it any more. I love the days when I don’t hurt!

We went to a little party last night. I decide to start a ‘Say “No!” to Bad Hair Days’ campaign and wore one of my wigs.I looked great. This morning my hair does not look as bad, just a bunch curls. It would be okay if it was a little thicker, but of course it is falling out, so it get thinner by the day. I probably need to talk to a stylist and find out how to wear and care for thin curly hair. I know it is only hair and should not matter at all in the grand schem of things, but when you look in the mirror and someone you don’t know is looking back at you, it is disconcerting.

I am working on being more positive about some of things I have been whining about. Mainly my nephrostomy. (A nephrostomy it a tube that goes through the back in to a kindey and drains it externally) I have hated it ever since they put it in. What I need to to instead is regognize that with out it I would probably be out one kidney by now. So hooray for the nephrostomy! (no matter how annoying it is.)

My pain is down a lot and pretty much under control. Pain under control means a lot to me. I would say it is VERY high on my list. Just thinking about not hurting makes me smile.

MY middle son Bear has moved home to help me. Ah how nice is that! He willl not be staying here long term but plans to stay close so he can help me now that I can not drive. It means a great deal to me to have him here.

I have a tumor near the original location and mets in
my lungs. I started avasten and taxotire last night
along with lots  of pain meds.

I was in the hospital addressing the kidney problem when they found the cancer. The nefrostomy (put a tube through my back tp drain the kidney, likely to always have one now.) they performed does not seem to be a big deal now,

They do not think surgery is an option. I think
because it would be very tough involve a long recovery
and initially the loss and later reconstruction of
some important parts of me, with little hope for
stopping the cancer from ever coming back in that
area. I now see why retropereteneal is so bad. The
mass is 1/2 the size of the original and I was in
agony most of the week. (I guess if I had not had the
lung mets surgery was the way to go.)

I may not lose my hair this time, but I have lots of great wigs if I need them, One if the things that really ticks me off is that I can’t drive now. (too much pain medication. Mrs. Woods and I are trying to work out a way that I can still work for her even though I can’t drive. Bear may take over my computer support business, (what is ledt of it) I can no longer provide the quality of support that my clients need, One more thing to cry over.
I am doing okay, I wanted it to be different but I
knew this was the most likely outcome. I am sad and
disappointed but not completely surprised.

I like my doctor a lot. He takes pain very seriously and does what he can to increase me quality of life. Currently most of the day is usually pretty good.

Pain management seems to be all we can do. Apparently  there is no way to make fractures heal faster. Where is the magic wand when you really need it? 

I do not post as often as I would like.  I am working for Mrs. Woods, and on a couple of writing projects that hope will be ready soon.  Also planning  a little weekend get away with LOML.

This week is my 1 year cancerversery. I have out lived the median life expectancy of my original diagnosis. (It was not til a month later that we knew what I really had, angiosarcoma has much better prospects.) Pain wise, even on my worst day, I feel better than I did before they did my surgery, so I guess I am okay.

I was just miserable and finally called my doctor Friday. He had me admitted and readjusted all my meds. What a difference! Currently I feel really good most of the time. We also did another MRI and will get together on that later this week.

My doctor is really good about staying on top of things but I forget that my pain is part of the things he want to keep under control. I am sometimes still in that pre-cancer mode, where you just tough it out and feel like a baby if you can’t.

My husband and a close friend are people who have chronic pain with no known cause. It would be so nice for them if someone could help them get the pain under control and find the root of the problem. My cancer diagnosis makes my pain a priority but so many people are suffering!

I redid my computer desktop using this wallpaper. I also added post-it notes lite, to cover to do list and such, and now I have a wonderful organized desktop. It takes so little to make me happy.

Tonight I am going to, with the help of my favorite helper monkey, Coder, going to put together a computer out of old parts. I am going to hook it to the TV so we can watch Netflix and other online contact on the TV.

A scan from last year showed I had ostiopina (sp,) so maybe this was coming regardless; it would have been nice if someone had told me…I could have been addressing it all along.

I am now on crutches for the next 8 weeks. Crutches seem to come in only one kind, (at least the one my insurance covers,) UGLY! I know that is a stupid thing, but my hair is coming back but it is now thin and mouse  colored, not mousy brown which I could deal with, but an ugly grey, it used to be very thick and a mahogany color. (if it stays thin like this I will keep it very short and just wear my wigs.) Now I get to hobble around on ugly crutches too.

I am thinking I will just takes some paint markers and go to town on them. I am waiting for inspiration.

I was doing very strenuous work and it likely contributed to my problems. I am probably never going be able to do my job at the level I was before.

I am feeling pretty discouraged. I wish my life had a reset button, so when you get stuck, like some video games, you could hit the button try again.

I had scans of my lungs earlier this week they came back clear, (Yea!) but there was something at the edge that the doctor wanted more information on. He could see the top of one kidney and it look swollen. He ordered another scan. They can’t do 2 in one day, something to do with the contrast they use, so I had the great joy of driving over there twice in one week.

The second scan showed the kidney fully and it was backed up. Something further down, where the tumor was originally, is impinging on things. It could be another radiation side effect, or scar tissue or a mass of some sort, at this point we don’t think it is cancer. The urologist put in a stint and sent me home. I am hoping that this accounts for some of the pain I was having but we will see. The stint will have to be replaced every 3 months until we decide on a more permanent solution.

It seems I have a full blown kidney infection. Big surprise. Has many UTI’s as I have had since the beginning  of the cancer adventure, it had to happen sooner or latter. Lots of antibiotics now, urologist visit later.

My oncologist say it is not related to the cancer, I am doing very well of that front. I have a CT scan in a couple of weeks. If it turns out well I may get to quit giving myself the shots of blood thinner. Now there is something to look forward to!

I gained back a lot of the weight I lost last year, which annoyed me. What is the point of losing all the weight, just to gain it back? It seemed unfair to me. I thought the weight loss was like a reward, You have cancer-bad news, but you get to be skinny-good news. I did not know about the next part, you gain it back-bad news, but, it is there in case you need it-good news. I have lost about 10 pounds with the kidney infection. So, a little extra weight is a good thing, you might need it if you get sick.  Imagine the poor super model, she does not have 10 pounds to spare.

So over all I am good, better the yesterday. It certainly easier to have a good attitude if you feel good. When I was in the ER mine was really bad.

Chemo was all over about a month ago. Still no sign of my hair coming back (except on my legs ) and I have lost the last of my eyebrows and lashes.

I am really NOT enjoying the cancer experience.

At least there is good news as well. I have had my first post chemo scans and there is no cancer at this time.